Men

So many people may not know but I have a major issue with trusting men.  Through my life I have been in many situations in which men have hurt me either emotionally or physically in which I am still building myself back up from.  I have come along ways and I give credit to the hard work I do at counseling and with some great counselors.  I must say that working with women counselors helped me greatly but while working with the counselor my husband and I went to for marriage counseling I built a oddly trusting relationship with a male.  PW was a great counselor who was funny, down to earth and didn't take his position and overstep it.  He helped me in many ways build on my relationships with men and I will be eternally grateful to him.

One of the hardest things in life when you are in counseling is the "starting over" with a new counselor.  When I moved with my sister, I left counseling with PW, but he was able to help me get into a counseling group locally.  I was paired with a wonderful woman who I immediately connected with and she was such a great help to me.  However tragedy has struck.

Last week I received a phone call that my appointment with my counselor was cancelled and the supervisor would call to reschedule it. ***DING DING DING SOMETHINGS WRONG***  So I have tried to just be patient waiting for the call (luckily I was sick so that made it easier).  Monday I went to my psychiatrist appointment and we were talking and he asked me if I met my new counselor.  Panic began to consume me.  Needless to say he made a phone call and asked someone to come down to meet me.  Few minutes later a knock on the door and in comes a man.  Really???  Serious???  He introduced himself and I just got such a bad vibe I was not happy.  After explaining that with my issues with men we would not be a good match I was told that if I dont see him my psychiatrist wont prescribe my medicine I flipped.  Needless to say I am waiting for the supervisor to call me STILL and if not i'll be looking for a new counselor and psychiatrist.  Grrrr

Needless to say my issue with men is not better and I'm gonna be punished for not trusting???  heck no!!  I will be ok and stand up for myself because I know what I have the right to have.  Tune in for more updates on how the issue goes

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

With the postings and memories of my mom yesterday many of you have expressed how much they love my mom and secondly how much a certain song still affects them when sung in church.  I myself still have struggles as this song is very hard to get through.  I would like to share this song and express my love to our many friends and family who this have affected.  My mom is still with us and we obviously feel that when this is sung.  Love you all!!

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good Lyrics

1. 1. Each life that touches ours for good
   Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
   Thou sendest blessings from above
   Thru words and deeds of those who love.
2. 2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
   What greater goodness can we know
   Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
   Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.
3. 3. When such a friend from us departs,
   We hold forever in our hearts
   A sweet and hallowed memory,
   Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
4. 4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
   Devotion to the Savior's name,
   Who bless our days with peace and love,
   We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.
5. Text: Karen Lynn Davidson, b. 1943. (c) 1985 IRI
   Music: A. Laurence Lyon, 1934-2006. (c) 1985 IRI

Forgiveness over the past 15 years

So 15 years ago today, my mom was hit by a car and died on the side of the road.  It was an extremely horrifying traumatic experience I have ever had to experience with my family.  In a split second, our lives were transformed for the better and the worst all in one.  It was very easy for me to hold a grudge towards the girl that hit my mom and it consumed me in many ways.

When our lives were turned upside down, I couldn't help but to think of this horrible 19 year old girl (a little older than me) that has ruined our lives.  She was being irresponsible and every time I heard more about her i got more angry and upset with her to the point that I could honestly say I hated her.  I tried to find ways to cope with life and our family grew stronger together but the pain of losing my mom was very overwhelming.  Although one day the amount of anger that built up inside of me became overwhelming.  I had a new problem that began to consume my thoughts.

I was reading through my moms scriptures and came across D&C 64:8-11 that says:
" 8 My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

 9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

 11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

At that point I had a pain in my heart that I knew I had to forgive this girl for what has happened.  But how could I do this?  I had so many hard feelings towards her where do I even start?  Needless to say it took me along time, but my heart changed.  I realized something that my mom use to say forgiveness is our duty as children of god.  We are taught to be Christlike and this is the perfect way to show that.  After a few years I was able to say I had forgiven this girl, but how do I tell her.  I decided to write this girl a letter and figured that it would at least give me the opportunity to share my feelings and forgiveness with her.  I figured that would be the last I would hear from the situation, I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.

A short time later I was checking my mail and I noticed a letter from a name I knew and never expected to see.  The girl I was trying to get forgiveness from had written me back.  What will it say?  Will she tell me off?  Will she forgive me?  Will she understand what I wanted her to know?  What will it say?  Honestly, the letter sat on my living room table for quite awhile while I waited to get the courage to open it.  Was I truly ready to see what she had to say?  The moment of truth....she forgave me!  What a wonderful feeling.  A weight so heavy had been lifted off my shoulders.  We communicated back and forth for a while and then....lets meet.  It was really happening.  I was going to meet the girl that hit my mom and really try to figure her out.  I must say that was the best decision I had ever made.  I learned that it wasn't just traumatic and life changing in mine and my families lives, it changed her life forever.  I learned she was just a college student who with the split second was changed forever.  I learned for the first time that this was truly just an ACCIDENT!!  I knew it was an accident but I never truly realized she was going to have to deal with this tragedy for the rest of her life.

I am so glad to say that I can sincerely call this girl my friend.  She is an amazing friend, mother, teacher and wife.  She was able to keep going and truly transform herself into a wonderful woman.  I would not be this far in my life and accepting what has happened if it weren't for her kindness and love.  God truly knows how to bring people into your life and I am grateful for her.  Even though I would love to have been able to meet her another way, I know that she is in my life for a reason.  Thank you D for all your love and support through the years and thank you so much for your forgiveness.

Chicken Struggles

So I asked my sister what I should write about and she said "chicken."  Really?  How exciting right?  So the first thing I think about is the fun times that I would chicken sit for friends when they went on vacation.  I would have to feed them, water them and collect the eggs, but when I was done I would just sit there and watch them.  It was amazing that they would all gather together and if one wandered off they all followed.  Makes me think about the reasoning and in my mind I think they are not very intelligent.  I say that as I remember watching my cousins baby run up and down the fence line and they would "chase him" on the other side.  Why are they chasing him when there is a fence in the way but then I looked at his face and he was having fun.  Makes me think that running up and down the fence might be enjoyment for these chickens.  They are confined to a specific area as I was chicken sitting because I did not trust them to run freely and i bet that running along the fence was like their fun time.  They probably enjoyed playing with him just like he enjoyed playing with them.  It was definitely fun times for me to enjoy watching them from the back porch as the sun was setting.

So now my internal struggle.....my favorite food in the whole world is chicken.  LOLOL  how can this be?  I don't know what it is that makes this a struggle inside but I love watching these animals and I love eating them.  Is that morbid?  Is that normal?  Is there something wrong with me for thinking like this??  Thanks sister for making me think of these struggles inside myself.  :-)  Let me know what you think?  Am I alone out there?

VS. 

WHO WILL WIN????

Prayers for Paul

Today I would like to introduce you to an amazing story.  Baby Paul is an amazing little boy who inspires so many people and has been through so much for his age.  Paul was born April 12, 2012 with a severe case of VACTERL Association. "Just 6 hours after he was born he was emergency transferred to an upstate hospital in New York. He spent his first month of life there fighting to stay alive. The doctors felt he was too complex and recommended that we let nature take its course and let him go. We did not want to leave any stone unturned and began researching to see if there were any other possibilities that could save our little boys life." (information given by Paul's Parents on his Facebook Page).  

Lately Paul has been very sick and in the hospital.  I feel that the more prayers this little boy can get the better.  I tend to look at my bad days and think "I just wanna give up" and then i'll find a post about how he's struggling and I think to myself that i am not suffering nearly as much as this beautiful young family.  

I encourage you to take a few minutes and take a look at Paul's facebook page that his mom shares.  I guarantee if you need a smile, you will find this beautiful little boy and you cant help but to smile. 

Let me know what you think!  :-)

Prayers for Paul

Some awesome musicians!

So I've decided today to share one of my favorite songs with some awesome guys.  For any of you who don't know them, They are the Piano Guys and they are AMAZING!  I absolutely love how they can create awesome music with such ease.  One day I will go see them in concert and I am so beyond excited about that.  This song is One Directions "What Makes You Beautiful" and was the very first song I ever heard of theirs.  It is great.





Let me know what you think.

New Years

Happy New Years to everyone!  Yes yes I know i'm only 5 days late but better late then never right?  So what are your new years goals?  Yeah I know, make a goal just to break it right? Well i'm still working on mine but will be sure to share when I'm ready.  Things are looking good for the new year so far and I'm hoping this is going to be a great year.

So I've been struggling with changing medicine but am glad to say i'm feeling better thank you.  No more side affects (just more tired) and can feel a difference for the good.  Changes have always been hard for me, however this time I was able to have my sisters support and most of the problems I had were only physical and internal.

So glad to have accomplished some great things today with my counselor and things look positive.  It is amazing how one person outside of your personal space can help you think and realize things so clearly when you think about it over and over.  LOL  I know I know that sounds stupid but I love my counselor and how she helps me feel better about myself and my goals in life.

Enough for tonight but what are your new years goals going to do for you this year?  Love you all!