Cry

I think sometimes a person gets so much emotion built up that the natural sense is to just cry.  But have you ever had the thought that maybe if you start to cry then you wont stop???  That's how I feel.  I feel so much overwhelming in my soul good and bad that I just am going to explode.  I'm having a lot of longing for the holidays and reminiscing of holidays past which are good but also at the same time makes me sad. I miss when times were so much easier and when I didn't have to worry about the weight of the world on my shoulders.  As I talked to my sister last night I started to cry and I could not turn it off.  As I lay in bed for a few hours I just cried about nothing really.  Is that possible?

This holiday season I have some friends and family that I worry about.  They have a lot going on inside them that is making life difficult and I want to just wrap my arms around them and hug them and tell them that it will be alright but then I think to myself will it? What will make it alright for them may be different than what I think of making it alright for me.  What I would do to make things better for them can actually make it worse for them and I may not even realize it.  I pray the spirit of the lord helps me when the time is right for me to help them to know what to say or do in order to make things better.  

I feel like i'm in a place where I'm not doing bad but i am sad and depressed.  I know that it is normal for me and that I am OK but I know if I tell people how I feel sometimes they take it the wrong way to mean that I am not OK.  I am OK and it is OK to be sad and depressed at times and I know this.  I know that in my journey with depression I will have times that are more difficult than others and that I don't always have to be happy to be OK.  

I can feel the withdrawal from my medicine within myself as I'm changing to new medicine.  I feel the pain inside as my body is being changed from one way of thinking to another.  My insides shake and tremors run through me as I feel sick inside and want to just do nothing but I know that will not help me right now.  I have been sleeping more the last few days as I am also battling physical sickness as well.  I need to watch myself to make sure that I am not falling into a bad spot by sleeping to much.  I am aware of this and am watching myself.  I am OK for now.  I know my sister must be tired of hearing me complain I don't feel good.  I really feel sometimes I need to just shut up and not complain but is that possible for someone to completely shut up and be happy when your screaming inside?  Good thing to think about.

I know that I am where I need to be in life even though things may not be smooth, I am able to continue on my journey of life to be the best person I can. I am worried about things right now that I can not control but I know that everything will work out in time.  I often wonder why I chose to take on all these challenges that i have and all I can think of is that I really am stronger than I know I am. 

Question of the Day:  What helps you cope?  Any words of advice?

A little about me

To tell you a little about me...My name is Jessica and I am 33 years old.  I am the type of person who lives life as today is the last day.  Tomorrow is never promised.  I am single (again) as I am recently divorced (again...more on that later) and am preparing to start the new chapter of my life.  I am in the process of preparing to move with my sister, however the destination is not finalized yet, but I will let you know when I do.  :-)  I am disabled as I have many health problems but a few problems I suffer with every day that affects my life is my depression, anxiety and PTSD.  I use to be ashamed of how this affected my life, but I have become more open about how it affects me and hope that I am able to share more later with you on my daily struggles.  I am a pretty good listener and love to help others so if there is ever anything you would like to talk about, please feel free to let me know.