Been quiet toooo long

So going through our divorce, I have been decent and quiet about a lot on my mind.  I kept quiet that he got engaged to another woman while still married to me.  I kept quiet that he still asked me for money and I was stupid enough to give it to him.  I kept quiet how I really felt a lot during this time, however it has come to my attention that my rude selfishness is a problem for my ex's friends and family.  So here is what I have to say...

The fact that this man is trying to move on with his life is FINE BY ME!!!  I honestly wish happiness for the simple fact I don't have to take care of him anymore.  The problems i have are the fact that he has responsibility to take care of that he does not care to take care of.  We have a financial agreement which he signed and notarized that he is to pay so much to me monthly to help with financial obligations that WE OBTAINED TOGETHER.  Part of that obligation is mine and I am paying on it, however I cant get any money from him because he never has it.  There is always an excuse or a reason however I really don't care what the excuse is anymore.

It is not my fault that you cant manage your money and that you owe more than you make.  What I don't get is how a person can possibly owe so much money to so many creditors and the government and be OK with not paying it.  How is it OK to run up a bill, shut that bill off in your name and put it in someone else s name over and over again and think that is OK.  Yet I'm the one being selfish and an inconvenience for asking for the little amount a month to pay responsibilities?  Really??  You can go get new vehicles and move to new places and live beyond your means and I'm the bad guy for wanting to pay OUR bills?  Really???

I've been quiet and I have not said nearly what is on my mind but when I become the bitch for standing up for myself when responsibility needs to be taken, I AM DONE!!!  So to all you "friends and family" that want to talk shit about me and how i'm such a terrible ex wife I ask you to think of one thing....YOU DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY SO BUTT OUT!!!!  Maybe one day he will have the balls to take on his responsibility and actually pay me what is owed but am I holding my breath anymore?  NOPE!  I just feel bad for the new soon to be wife as she doesn't know the half of what she is getting into.

mixed

I want to wish Merry Christmas to everyone since I didn't post yesterday.  My sister and I just kind of laid around and relaxed for the day.  We had a nice Christmas chicken dinner and I put together and decorated a mini gingerbread village kit Ashley got me.  It was fun.

As we didn't spend the day with family we were still able to talk to them on the phone and some on the computer which was fun.  I miss them most during the holidays as they are the harder days for me to get through.  We also decided that we are going to start writing to soldiers who are serving and protecting for us.  I wrote 3 letters yesterday and am very excited to be doing this.

I am honestly not feeling well today.  My stomach is at odds with me and just making me feel miserable.  I am still dealing with the plugged ears but luckily I go see my doctor on Monday anyways so hope she can help me out with them.  Been taking medicine for it but not helping.  I have been more down today (no reason particular) just one of those days.  I feel a little mixed up and through comments of other (even though it wasn't intended to be) I feel like all I do sometimes is screw things up.  I know that I may make mistakes and while trying to help with something I sometimes mess it up but I try.  It will be OK but just not what I wanted to feel when not feeling well anyways.

Hope you are all having a great day and wish you a happy holiday season.

Merry Christmas Eve

So its Christmas Eve and it doesn't feel like it.  The year has gone by so fast and I cant believe it is already Christmas again.  Today my sister and I have to go to the store and we are going to pick up somethings to make a nice Christmas dinner tomorrow.  We are staying home for Christmas as we were just home for Thanksgiving and it is not in the budget to be able to get home.  We will make a good time of it.  We always have a good time together.  I love spending time with my sister as you never know what will happen.  LOL  It is always fun to watch Christmas movies and enjoy time together.

So i'm still feeling pretty crappy inside but I will be good.  It will take time for my medicine to fully kick in but will be better soon.  I have a positive attitude that things are going to be OK and that is what is important.

Christmas Fun

Fun Things I Made For Christmas 2014

Decorated some cute light bulbs for the Christmas Tree

made a gingerbread house 

was so much fun

was yummy to make too

Loved doing this!

Cry

I think sometimes a person gets so much emotion built up that the natural sense is to just cry.  But have you ever had the thought that maybe if you start to cry then you wont stop???  That's how I feel.  I feel so much overwhelming in my soul good and bad that I just am going to explode.  I'm having a lot of longing for the holidays and reminiscing of holidays past which are good but also at the same time makes me sad. I miss when times were so much easier and when I didn't have to worry about the weight of the world on my shoulders.  As I talked to my sister last night I started to cry and I could not turn it off.  As I lay in bed for a few hours I just cried about nothing really.  Is that possible?

This holiday season I have some friends and family that I worry about.  They have a lot going on inside them that is making life difficult and I want to just wrap my arms around them and hug them and tell them that it will be alright but then I think to myself will it? What will make it alright for them may be different than what I think of making it alright for me.  What I would do to make things better for them can actually make it worse for them and I may not even realize it.  I pray the spirit of the lord helps me when the time is right for me to help them to know what to say or do in order to make things better.  

I feel like i'm in a place where I'm not doing bad but i am sad and depressed.  I know that it is normal for me and that I am OK but I know if I tell people how I feel sometimes they take it the wrong way to mean that I am not OK.  I am OK and it is OK to be sad and depressed at times and I know this.  I know that in my journey with depression I will have times that are more difficult than others and that I don't always have to be happy to be OK.  

I can feel the withdrawal from my medicine within myself as I'm changing to new medicine.  I feel the pain inside as my body is being changed from one way of thinking to another.  My insides shake and tremors run through me as I feel sick inside and want to just do nothing but I know that will not help me right now.  I have been sleeping more the last few days as I am also battling physical sickness as well.  I need to watch myself to make sure that I am not falling into a bad spot by sleeping to much.  I am aware of this and am watching myself.  I am OK for now.  I know my sister must be tired of hearing me complain I don't feel good.  I really feel sometimes I need to just shut up and not complain but is that possible for someone to completely shut up and be happy when your screaming inside?  Good thing to think about.

I know that I am where I need to be in life even though things may not be smooth, I am able to continue on my journey of life to be the best person I can. I am worried about things right now that I can not control but I know that everything will work out in time.  I often wonder why I chose to take on all these challenges that i have and all I can think of is that I really am stronger than I know I am. 

Question of the Day:  What helps you cope?  Any words of advice?

I believe...

Med Change

I have had quite a roller coaster ride over the last 6 months.  Since moving with my sister required me to change my counselor and psychiatrist that monitors my medication, I have been very nervous.  I don't handle change well and having to completely start over with strangers was not going to be an easy things.  I was able to find a clinic within the healthcare system my primary doctor is with which is very similar to Family Services in Chemung County.  It can be a very overwhelming place for me to go as there are many clients that are seen there at one time, however I am happy to say I found a wonderful counselor who I have "clicked" with very well.  Lucky for me she was the counselor that was assigned to do my intake and we hit it off from the very beginning.  She has assigned me to a really good psychiatrist at the clinic who has a good reputation.  This doctor was very good to me the first few visits and I think we are going to get along well, however he wants to change my medicines I am on.  AHHHHHHHH  Anyone who knows me knows I don't handle medicine adjustments well.  I have been taking 3 medicines that work for the most part and he wants to drop all 3 of them and start me on 2 new ones?  WTH am I gonna do?  Well, I decided to trust him and allow him to help me as his logic seems to make sense in many ways.  I will be OK however the next few weeks could be a little bumpy (as if life hasn't thrown bumps in anyways).  So I have been off my other medicine cold turkey as of 3 days ago and started the new ones right away and so far so good.  My mind has started to race really really really fast however I can handle it.  It is nothing out of control and it wont be because I wont let it.  I feel so blessed that I am able to live with my sister who has always been my biggest support and I feel that I can tell her anything that is going on with me.  For those that tend to worry about me I want you to know that I am OK.  I really am.  I promise!  I have a good support system and plan set up and I am in good hands. 

RELIEF!!!

So I have had some major problems with my back for quite awhile with can become very overwhelming. I have spinal stenosis, a bulging disc and a disk that is becoming herniated. I don't really understand all the terms but I have been in constant terrible pain and it hurts to do anything including moving some days. I had been trying to get into pain management to get help but it was just taking so long I was getting ready to give up hope. I have been a faithful chiropractor patient to help me some and they say injection shots would be a good help to me. I was finally able to get into a Pain Management Doctor in Albany and within 2 weeks of seeing him for the initial consult I was back in his office getting facet injections into my back. They told me right from the beginning that because of my body structure it may be a long shot whether or not the injections will actually help me or not. I am so blessed that within a few days i was able to do certain things with less pain. Something as simple as putting my foot up onto the bed to put my socks on all of a sudden I was able to do and it didn't hurt! WHAT?!?!?!? REALLY???? I am so blessed. I am grateful for the relief that I have gotten. I may not be able to do everything however I am able to do things without the pain I was having before. Thank you lord for the relief!!!

Update....

I have been slacking in updating my blog and for that I am sorry.  I realize it has been quite awhile since I've made contact and here I hope to be able to update as to life events and what is going on for me.  I'm going to apologize ahead of time as when my mind gets racing with all kinds of updates and thoughts, my grammar tends to lack.

Officially on August 26, 2014, Tom and I became divorced.  There were a lot of things that brought this up and we wanted to stay "friends" but now I realize that was a bunch of crap.  I had hoped to make things easy and be the "good guy" however I have been screwed over and now I am reaping from that.  I now have to deal with him to get him to pay for things that he is financially responsible for, however he is making it so difficult I just want to give up.  I'm going to have to figure out how to take him to court for violating the divorce decree and go from there.  Not what I want to deal with in the new year.  I am trying to think positive about it but it can just be overwhelming so I am dealing with it one day at a time.  Even though I am happy to be divorced I still feeling like a part of me is broken.  I know that I am going to be OK however it will take time.

In October my sister received a job offer in the Albany area and she and I moved together.  Being disabled and wanting to start over, I was excited to be able to move with her.  She is an amazing person and I have always looked up to her even though she is my younger sister.  It was a stressful process as we were trying to find a job and an apartment from long distance but everything worked out great.  We found a GREAT apartment which was very exciting to see after we signed the lease (LOL) and were absolutely blown away.  It is such a great apartment and the good news is that it feels like HOME!!!  We have been able to settle in and really enjoy the area as we have exploring adventures.  We've found some amazing things to do and are having such a great time.

We started out the month  of November by adding an addition to our family.  His name is Stevie and he is a 5 month old kitten who was needing a foster home from the animal hospital my sister worked out.  We both fell in love with him at first sight and decided to give him a chance.  He has had a rough life so far with sickness and had to have one eye removed, but he is doing amazing and fitting in well to our family.  It has been fun watching him adjust to us and his surroundings but he is very spoiled.  We are very happy adding him to our family.

Our family also had a loss this year.  My Uncle Randy was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and ended up passing away November 24, 2014 from complications.  It was a very unexpected passing and took our family by surprise.  We have had a lot of loss and pain through the years and our family really helps one another get through it together.  We weren't originally going to be going home for Thanksgiving, however because of Uncle Randy's death, we decided to go home and be there for our grandma particularly.  This is now the 2nd child she has lost along with her husband and as she gets older it gets harder for her to handle grief.  We will miss him a lot but at least we know he is not suffering anymore.  Love you Uncle Randy.

Padgett, Randall S.

Age 49 of Murfreesboro, Tennessee formerly of Elmira, NY passed away November 24, 2014. He was predeceased by his father, Lester Sr. and his sister Sheri Walker. Randall is survived by his 3 children Jesse, Michael and Alison Padgett his mother Wilma; brother Lester Jr (Diane) and sister Kelly; several nieces, nephews and cousins, along with his 2 canine friends Buddy and Theo. A graveside service will be held at a later date. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/star-gazette/obituary.aspx?n=randall-s-padgett&pid=173442685#sthash.a7Jg9dts.dpuf

December has been going fast as well.  At the beginning of the month our dad came up for a visit and we decided to do a Thanksgiving/Christmas weekend.  We had a great time and really enjoyed the the weekend.  We exchanged presents for Christmas (which was so exciting because it was an early Christmas) and also did a big Thanksgiving dinner together.  We are grateful for the opportunity to have been able to spend the weekend together and start new traditions.  We also went to explore a really great Christmas light show that the city of Albany has put on for many years in a local park where you drive through and there are many light displays set up.  It was an absolutely amazing experience.  We have gotten our house decorated and ready for Christmas and its so nice to be able to start our new traditions while incorporating traditions from the past.  For the first time in many years, me and my sister made cookies and goodies to pass out to friends and neighbors.  That was a fun tradition we use to do with our mom every year and it brought back a lot of awesome memories.  

I hope that you all have enjoyed getting caught up on some fun things going on with me.  I hope to be better at getting this thing updated more.  I really want to be able to use this as a way to be able to help me share life and help myself as my mind gets full and writing tends to help me and slow it down.  I love you all and hope to be able to help someone out there!

Different

What is different?  We are all different.  We all have our own struggles whether we see it or not.  I may go to the store and see a happy cashier who I think is so sweet and she may go home and beat her children because of the stress she is under in life.  We may see someone who looks completely different but we are no better than anyone.

All our lived we've heard that we're "made in the image of god" which is a nice though and one that makes us remember our own value.  However there are many people who do not remember this especially around someone who is different.  I recently just was introduced to a young man who has some great opinions about being different and I would love to share the music video he has for his song.

Before you watch the video linked believe I would like you to close your eyes and imagine the following.  You are hungry and go into a restaurant.  After waiting to be seated for 30 minutes the manager comes to you and says "we don't serve your kind here!"  As you leave in anger, you hear people laughing and pointing at you.  You decide to walk home through the park and you decide to get a drink from a fountain.  You continue to see people judging you and making comments like "don't drink after that person.  Who knows what is wrong with them."  As your walking down the sidewalk you see people avoiding you like you have the plague or something.  Imagine how people have treated you and think about this...have you ever gave someone that thought?  Have you mistreated someone because of them being different?

Please enjoy this video.  Love to you all.

Cyndi Lauper - True Colors (MattyBRaps Cover ft Olivia Kay)

Today has been rather uneventful.  I had a fall this morning and have hurt my back with even more pain that before.  Another day I will go into all my illness' however today I just feel very defeated.  It hurts so much to sit, stand, walk, drive, lay down and so on and so forth.  It is days like this where i feel very gloomy and defeated, however I feel that tomorrow is a new day and will be better.  What is my purpose with enduring all this pain.  As I heal mentally I hurt physically and that becomes very overwhelming.  Uggg.

As I end for the day, I would like to leave you with a saying that I say every day!  I hope you all have a great night and remember that you are not alone in your fight through pain and suffering.  Love you all.

A little about me

To tell you a little about me...My name is Jessica and I am 33 years old.  I am the type of person who lives life as today is the last day.  Tomorrow is never promised.  I am single (again) as I am recently divorced (again...more on that later) and am preparing to start the new chapter of my life.  I am in the process of preparing to move with my sister, however the destination is not finalized yet, but I will let you know when I do.  :-)  I am disabled as I have many health problems but a few problems I suffer with every day that affects my life is my depression, anxiety and PTSD.  I use to be ashamed of how this affected my life, but I have become more open about how it affects me and hope that I am able to share more later with you on my daily struggles.  I am a pretty good listener and love to help others so if there is ever anything you would like to talk about, please feel free to let me know.

Welcome

Hello Cyber World.  Hope you are all well and thank you so much for stopping by.  My name is Jessica and I am from Elmira, New York.  I have decided to start a blog to help me share my thoughts and life with my friends and family and even strangers.  My hope for this blog is to be able to help others understand me a little better and to maybe even help someone that is struggling with a similar problem.  I hope you enjoy your visit and see you soon.